Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
