Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
