remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
