new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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