3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
