PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize