Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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