just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
