On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just had sex bonerless
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
