i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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