i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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