happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
