I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
