You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
