Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I understand Curling. That high.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
