your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
