hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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