If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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