Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
