She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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