Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize