I'm sorry my penis didn't work
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
