When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
