so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
