you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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