Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Holy shit dude........stairs
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
