In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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