Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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