You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
