Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
