Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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