smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just pynch a tree in the face
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
