im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
