He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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