OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
