Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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