I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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