I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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