My first STD was from a foam party
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
