ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
