A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
