and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
