I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
