Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
