his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
