That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize