I'm eating all of the evidence.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
