In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
