woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
