had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
