yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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