dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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