3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish there were birth control emojis
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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