The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
