grandma shit on top of the toilet
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
