I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
