Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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