she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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