the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he thought i was a dude.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
