My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
