I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
