i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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