I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
