So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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