I just saw a hot homeless man
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
