I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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